Am I Real?
by Katerina Kintari
Summary: Shepard's life after her death involves working with an organization she hates, while those she loves leave her behind. FemShep with possible eventual Shenko. Chapter Eight now up! Rating changed to M for swearing.
1. Ice

**Ice**

* * *

As she shoved Joker in to the escape pod, she took one last look at the burning Normandy. The blast took her before she could do more then begin her turn.

The explosion propelled her into space with such force that it was a moment before she realized she was floating beyond the wreckage. At the same time, she realized that her oxygen tanks had been shredded and her oxygen was hissing out the back of her suit. She fumbled vainly at the connectors, trying to find an end, a valve, anything to stop the leaking.

_Have to survive, she thought. ...Not done yet! They need me!_

Her thoughts came more slowly with every labored breath. The cold sliced through her, disintegrating her thoughts and chilling her body. She had one last thought before darkness took her...

_Kaidan!_

*****

The first thing she felt was the cold. It surrounded her, enveloped her. Slowly, she became aware of voices as well. She struggled for consciousness, fighting against the cold that held her immobile.

"There, on the monitor. Something's wrong"

"She's reacting to outside stimuli. Showing an awareness of her surroundings."

She fought harder, knowing that she had to get up, to move, to fight.

"Oh my god, Miranda. I think she's waking up!"

_Damn right I am_, she thought._ What are you doing to me?_ She forced her eyes open. The light blinded her momentarily, but soon she was able to make out two figures standing above her. A man, a woman.

"Damn it Wilson. She's not ready yet. Give her the sedative."

No, she thought

"Shepard! Don't try to move. Just lie still, try to stay calm."

_What the--?_

"Heart rate still climbing. Brain activity is off the charts. Stats pushing in to the red zone. It's not working."

"Another dose, now!" Metal pressed against her neck.

"Heart rate dropping. Stats falling back in to normal range. That was too close. We almost lost her."

"I told you your estimates were off. Run the numbers again."

The cold took her again.

*****

The next time she woke, the cold had lessened, diminished to an icy draft through her veins.

"Wake up, Commander! Shepard, do you hear me? Get out of that bed now. This facility is under attack!"

_Shepard?_ That's right, her name was Shepard. Commander Shepard...the first human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel. That's what they called her. Each thought brought back more memories, another piece of her identity slotting into place.

Why was she lying on a slab? And she was so cold. She hated the cold.

"Shepard. Your scars aren't healed, but I need you to get moving. This facility is under attack."

Gunfire. Explosions. The familiar battle sounds sent adrenaline rushing through her system. Instinctively, she slid off the table and into cover, looking around for enemies.

The voice came again. "There's a pistol in the locker on the other side of the room. Hurry! Grab the pistol and armor from the locker."

She didn't need to be told twice. She ran toward the locker and pulled out the gear, throwing it on with practiced ease.

"This pistol doesn't have a thermal clip."

"It's a med bay. We'll get you a clip from...damn it! Those canisters by the door are going to blow! Get behind cover, now!"

She remembered waking before, and hearing that voice. Miranda, that was her name. She and someone called Wilson had been bending over her...

"Keep your head down, Shepard! Shield yourself from the blast. Someone's hacking the security trying to kill you. Look for a thermal clip for your pistol."

"Looks like they set up a barricade to try holding the mechs off. Look out!"

She slid into cover as the mech came toward her, grabbing the thermal clip along the way. Knowing that she had very few shots, she carefully aimed and fired, taking the headpiece off the mech. She checked around for more enemies, but the room was clear for now.

"Keep moving. We need to get you to the shuttles."

She fought through more hallways, picking up the grenade launcher she found, and using it to detonate a handful of mechs. As she ran down yet another hallway, the intercom started to cut out

"You're doing...--Shepard. Head to the...meet you...Shepard? --read me? I've got...-closing in...--position." The intercom went dead.

Shepard ran through another doorway to a small overlook. A man was crouched behind the railing, shooting at some mechs stationed across the opening.

"Shepard? What the hell..."

I could ask you the same thing, she thought.

She dove down beside him and took out the attacking mechs.

"What are you doing here? I thought you were still a work in progress."

"Are you with Miranda?"

"Yeah...sorry. I forgot this is all new to you right now. I'm Jacob Taylor... I've been stationed here for--"

Hostiles detected!

"Damn it!"

"Things must be worse than I thought if Miranda's got you running around. I'll fill you in, but we better get you to the shuttle first."

"I know this isn't the best time but I'm sick of stumbling around when I don't know what's going on."

"Fair enough. I'll give you the quick version. You and your ship were attacked and destroyed. You were killed. Dead as dead can be when they brought you here."

_Dead?_

"Our scientists spent the last two years putting you back together. You've been comatose, or worse, that whole time. Welcome back to your life."

_Two years? _Her mind seemed to be stuck in repeat as she took this in. She looked around and tried for coherency.

"This doesn't look like an Alliance facility."

"It isn't. I can't say much more then that for now. The Alliance officially declared you killed in action. The whole galaxy thinks you're dead. And if we don't get to those shuttles, they'll be right."

"Were there any other survivors from the Normandy?"

"Tell you what--you help me finish off these mechs and I'll play Twenty Questions with you all day. We're low on thermal clips but I'm a biotic. Just let me know when you want me to hit them with the good stuff."

_The good stuff? Really?_ Without bothering to answer, she sighted down her pistol. One shot each, and the mechs were down for the count.

"They're falling back. Okay I promised I'd answer your questions. What do you want to know?"

_Try 'everything,'_ she thought.

Shepard listened as he explained who he was, the extent of her injuries, about Project Lazarus, her implants, and the survivors of the Normandy.

How can it have been two years, she thought? It felt more like two minutes since she was struggling in the dark cold of space. She shook off the disorientation and continued interrogating Jacob about himself, and about the Miranda that had woken her up. When it seemed he'd given all the information he was going to, she directed him to show her the fastest route to the shuttle bay.

A voice over the radio interrupted them. Someone named Wilson. She remembered that name from her previous awakening. He told them to head toward the server room.

"Lets get out of here."

They were ambushed by three more mechs when they got to the server room, but she and Jacob were able to take them down. She got some faint amusement from Jacob berating Wilson about leading them into an ambush.

*****

Wilson staggered to his feet a few moments after the medi-gel was applied. "Thanks Shepard. Never thought you'd save my life. Guess that makes us even now. I thought maybe I could shut down the security mechs. But whoever did this fried the whole system. Completely irreversible."

Jacob looked at Wilson skeptically. "We didn't ask what you were doing. Why do you even have security mech clearance? You were in the bio wing."

"Weren't you listening? I came here to try and fix this. Besides, I was shot! How do you explain that?"

Shepard heard movement in the adjacent hall, and cut the argument short. "You're all strangers to me. Let's get someplace safe, then we'll sort out whose fault it is."

They dove down as the noise in the hallway grew louder, resulting in a group of incoming mechs firing from the opening doorway.

She ducked up just enough to shoot out the explosive crates next to the door, pulverizing the mechs.

Jacob reappeared, panting. "OK, we took 'em down, but this is getting tense. Shepard, if I tell you who we work for, will you trust me?"

Again, Wilson objected, "This really isn't the time, Jacob."

"We won't make it if she's expecting a shot in the back."

Wilson shrugged, "If you want to piss off the boss, it's your ass, Jacob."

"The Lazarus Project, the program that rebuilt you...it's funded and controlled by Cerberus."

_Cerberus!_ She remembered the experiments she'd run in to before. They were an elitist group with criminal non-accountability and dubious morals. If she was in Cerberus hands, she'd better tread carefully. She pretended mild ignorance.

"I think I ran into Cerberus a few times while I was investigating Saren. Some kind of pro-human spinter group, right?"

"Well that's what the Alliance wants people to believe. But there's more to it. The Alliance declared you dead. They gave up. Cerberus spent a fortune to bring you back. Look, I'd be suspicious too. But right now, we have to work together. I throught you deserved to know what's what.

"Once we're off the station, I'll take you to the Illusive Man. He'll explain everything. I promise."

She couldn't keep the words back, the reports she'd seen of the Akuze flashed through her mind. "I don't care what they did or what you say -- I'm not working with terrorists!"

"You can tell it to the boss. But after we've saved our butts. We're almost at the shuttle."

She reluctantly nodded._ Right, survive first. _She headed toward the shuttles with Jacob and Wilson.

*****

Wilson entered the access code with some relief. "C'mon, through here. We're almost at the... "

The door slid open and a woman stepped through.

"Miranda! But, you were..."

Miranda pressed her gun against Wilson's chest, and fired before answering. "...Dead?"

"What the hell are you doing?" Shepard asked.

Miranda replied, "My job. Wilson betrayed us all."

"You should have taken him alive. See what he knew."

"Too risky. I've put too much time and effort bringing you back to life to let you get killed now."

Jacob asked her frankly, "You really think Wilson's capable of that?"

Miranda looked down at the corpse, then raised an eyebrow at them, "Not anymore."

_What else did I expect from Cerberus?_ She shrugged. "If you say so. What's our next step?"

"We get on the shuttle and go. My boss wants to speak to you."

"You mean the Illusive Man? I know you work for Cerberus."

"Ah Jacob. I should've known your conscience would get the better of you."

Jacob shook his head. "Lying to the commander isn't the way to get her to join our cause."

"Well, since we're getting everything out in the open, is there anything else you want to ask before we go, Commander?"

Just one thing. "What does Cerberus want from me?"

"Maybe you should ask the Illusive Man when you meet him. He poured virtually unlimited resources into Lazarus. Obviously he has some kind of plan for you."

No more personel showed up for evacuation over the next few moments, so she agreed to get on the shuttle and get away from the Station. She didn't see any escape opportunity yet, but she was sure one would present itself. Or be created.


	2. Illusive Council

**Illusive Council**

* * *

They docked at another nameless station, and she headed down the conference hall to meet with the Illusive Man. She was looking forward to it. Hopefully, she would be able to look forward to it with a bullet.

She found herself standing in an empty hallway. Lights came to life around her.

*****

Illusive Man: "Commander Shepard."

"Illusive Man. I thought we'd be meeting face-to-face."

"A necessary precaution. Not unusual for people who know what you and I know."

"You might be the reason I'm still alive, but that doesn't mean I trust you."

"You need to put your personal feelings aside. Humanity is up against the greatest threat of our brief existence."

She caught her breath. "The Reapers."

"Good to see your memory's still intact. How are you feeling?"

_Tired, afraid, and cold, but that's none of your business._ "You need to earn the right to ask me those kinds of questions."

"Cerberus isn't as evil as you believe. You and I are on the same side; we just have different methods."

His pretentious tone irritated her. "Cut to the chase. What are the Reapers doing that made you decide to bring me back?"

"We're at war. No one wants to admit it, but humanity is under attack. While you've been sleeping, entire colonies have been disappearing. Human colonies.

"We believe it's someone working for the Reapers. Just as Saren and the geth aided Sovereign. You've seen it yourself. You bested all of them. That's just one reason we chose you."

"If this is a threat against humanity, you need to mobilize the Alliance."

"They suffered substantial losses fighting Sovereign. They're rebuilding, still stretched too thin to waste resources verifying the Reaper threat. Blaming the abductions on mercs and pirates is easier. And more convenient."

A smooth answer, she thought. "Sovereign was trying to harvest all life in the galaxy. Why would the Reapers target a few human colonies?"

"Hundreds of thousands of colonies have vanished. I'd say that fits the definition of "harvesting" Nobody's paying attention because it's random and the attacks occur in remote locations. I don't know why they[ve suddenly targeted humanity. Maybe you got their attention when you killed one of them."

_Hundreds of thousands?_

"You could have trained an entire army for what you spent to bring me back. Why didn't you do that instead?"

"You're unique. Not just in ability or what you've experienced, but in what you represent. You stood for humanity at a key moment. You're more than a soldier -- you're a symbol.

"And I don't know if the reapers understand fear, but you killed one. They have to respect that."

"If what you say is true...if the Reapers are behind this...I'd consider helping you." Out the nearest airlock, or into a Council prison if I knew where you were.

"I'd be disappointed if you accepted any of this without seeing for yourself. I have a shuttle ready to take you to Freedom's Progress, the latest colony to be abducted. Miranda and Jacob will brief you."

"Is this a volunteer job, or am I being volunteered?"

"You always have a choice, Shepard. If you don't find the evidence we're both looking for, we can part ways. But first go to Freedom's Progress. Find any clues you can. Who's abducting the colonies? Do they have any connection to the Reapers? I brought you back. It's up to you to do the rest."

*****

She finished her report on Freedom's Progress with a heavy heart. It had been good to see Tali again, even if Tali couldn't join her. She was glad they were able to rescue Veetor, and hoped he would get the help he needed when he got back to the Fleet. But she had only been able to save those two. The entire colony was gone.

Veetor's footage was conclusive. Collectors were definitely harvesting humans. She trusted Veetor's footage more then any fancy words from the Illusive Man, simply because it was obvious Veetor had no hidden agenda.

Very well, if Cerberus was willing to foot the bill, she would cooperate with them for now. But she planned to make it clear it was a temporary cooperation--she wouldn't call it an alliance--to save lives. She would have no part of any other Cerberus plans, and she'd be on the lookout for information that would come in useful.

The Illusive Man had given her dossiers to examine, and a new ship to command. No doubt he had tracking devices all over the ship, but from what she could see, there were no restrictions on who she should recruit....or where she could go. She would start with the Citadel.

*****

She listened to the Council smearing her character with increasing anger. Fortunately, Anderson interrupted them before they could continue. She was tempted to tell them where they could shove their offer of Spectre status, but an expectant look from Anderson made her swallow her pride. She couldn't disappoint him, and it was logical to retain access to Spectre resources.

Feeling like she was choking on the words, she stepped forward and nodded.

"I accept your offer. It's good to have the Council on my side." _Thorny or not._

As the transmission ended, Udina walked into the room. _Oh great, just what I needed._ Fortunately, Anderson managed to send him out the door with his tail on fire almost quickly enough to suit her.

Anderson looked tired. Thinking back to her own death, she asked him, "How have the last couple years treated you?"

"Serving on the Council isn't how I planned to spend my twilight years. Sometimes it feels like I'm just beating my head against a wall."

"Forget Udina and the Council. Join my crew and help me stop the Collectors."

He made a throwing away gesture. "I'm too old to be running across the galaxy. Much as I complain, I've got an important job to do here. The front line -- that's got to be yours."

She nodded. Duty first, like all Alliance officers. And Anderson was one of the best. Still she couldn't help but ask one personal question...

"What happened to Staff Lieutenant Alenko after the Normandy was destroyed?"

"Staff Commander Alenko is still with the Alliance, but he's working on a special mission. It's classified. I can't say any more. Not while you're working with Cerberus. I'm sorry."

She nodded. "I should go"

She sighed as she headed back to the Normandy. Hopefully her own sources and contacts would turn up something. In the meantime, she had a job to do.

* * *

**A/N: I'm sorry that this chapter has so much quoting in it. I wanted to show some of Shepard's thoughts while key points were occurring. There'll be a bit more quoting next chapter, but also more actual interaction, I promise!**

**Please R&R, I really want to improve.**


	3. Betrayed

**Betrayed**

* * *

She fought through waves of Collectors and Husks, trying to make it to the defense towers. She had to disable that ship before it left with all of the colonists--or anyone else on the planet.

Even with the urgency in her mind, Shepard felt a fierce joy at the ongoing battle. There was no need for tough choices here. _Target. Fire. Next target._ No Council. _Fire._ No Cerberus. _Move to a new position. Fire._ She only hoped that she would reach her goal in time. Each Collector she took down was one less to kidnap colonists.

*****

She'd gotten the defense towers online, and they were firing on the Collector ship, but they weren't doing enough damage. She watched helplessly as the ship took off and vanished out of the atmosphere.

As it disappeared, the mechanic she'd met earlier ran up. "No! Half the colony is in there! They took Lilith, and..."

"I'm sorry. I didn't want it to end this way. I did what I could." _I failed.  
_

Garrus said, "It was a good fight Shepard."

"Shepard? Wait. I know that name. Sure, I remember you. You're some type of big Alliance hero."

She turned as a new, achingly familiar voice spoke. "Commander Shepard. Captain of the Normandy. The first human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel.

"You're in the presence of a legend, Delan. And a ghost."

_Kaidan!_

She barely heard Delan leaving. All of her attention was on Kaidan. "I thought you were dead, Commander. We all did."

She stepped in to his arms. It was like coming home. They exchanged a long, tender embrace before stepping back.

_He looks just like I remember._

*****

Kaidan had heard the sounds of battle, but had been unable to assist. Whatever venom those swarms had, they had completely immobilized him. His biotics had protected him long enough to roll behind some crates, but after that, he had not been able to move so much as a muscle.

He fought against the paralysis as the sound of gunfire grew louder. Whatever those bugs had stung him with, they were not going to stop him, dammit!

He felt a headache throbbing behind his left eye. Damn, whatever was in those things was triggering a migraine. Not what he needed right now. He fought harder, ignoring the growing pain in his head, and felt his hands begin to twitch a little. A few minutes later, he was able to move his arms, and legs. He heard the defense towers firing. Reinforcements! Relief allowed him to shake off the rest of the paralysis. He flexed his arms, and went in search of survivors.

Kaidan followed the sound of voices. He paused stepping out in the open, automatically assessing the situation before exposing himself.

He saw Delan speaking with a figure in Alliance armor and was about to step forward when he heard her speak. The voice was so familiar... In a single crystalized moment, he recognized her.

_Shepard? Is this a dream...?_

His migraine faded away completely. He stepped out and spoke.

"Commander Shepard. Captain of the Normandy. The first human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel. You're in the presence of a legend, Delan. And a ghost."

Delan spoke bitterly. "All the good people we lost, and you get left behind. Figures. Screw this. I'm done with you Alliance types."

As Delan ran off, he stared at Shepard speechlessly. She looked exactly like he remembered. Her scent, the color of her eyes, the way she stood were all identical to his memories.

"I thought you were dead, Commander. We all did." He pulled her in to a tight embrace, reliving the feel of her body against his.

_But if she's alive...._

His migraine suddenly returned threefold. He heard her speak, but the words made no sense. Had she been with Cerberus these past two years? How could she let him think she was dead? He remembered the pain he'd felt at her death, and it was like his anger short-circuited his mind and poured out through his mouth. He barely knew what he was saying, all he could do was react.

Before he knew it, he found himself walking away from her. His mind yelled at him to stop, to turn around, to listen, but his legs continued to carry him forward and away.

*****

She hadn't expected him to understand at first. She remembered the confusion she herself had felt when she had first woken in the hands of Cerberus. But he was so angry! He'd said that he'd loved her--_loved her_--as if she were still dead. Then he'd accused her of betrayal, and walked off. She was so stunned at his words that she couldn't even begin to piece her thoughts together yet.

She took a deep breath. She would deal with this later. Right now, she had a mission to finish._ Duty first_.

"Joker--send the shuttle to pick us up. I've had enough of this colony."

*****

After her debriefing with the Illusive Man, Shepard went back to her cabin to think things over. It wasn't in her to rage or weep, so she simply sat down on the bed and sank in to thought.

Primary on her mind was Kaidan. He had reacted cruelly. Did he really think she would ever betray the Alliance? She thought about his reaction and the reaction of the Council prior to that.

They both spoke of betrayal and Cerberus. Emotionally, she was angry at both for refusing to listen to her, but logically, she realized that working with Cerberus was very questionable. She had gotten to know some of the people on the ship, and she knew that there were good ones among them as well, but she knew that Cerberus as a whole did horrible things.

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly, along with the sharpest of her anger and hurt. Both of them she allocated to _Not Important Right Now_, and refocused her attention.

One of the new dossiers she had been given was for Tali. She would go recruit Tali. It would be good to have her on the team. She would make sure the crew was ready to go after the Collectors. Everything else could wait.

* * *

**A/N: As promised, much less game-dialogue. I may rewrite Ch 2 as well, it isn't very satisfying to me right now. Please R&R!**


	4. Alliance

**Alliance**

* * *

"We need to get our crew back. I won't leave any of them to the Collectors."

"The Reaper IFF is online. I would like to run some final calculations before we go through the relay," EDI replied.

"Understood, EDI. Inform me when we are ready."

As Shepard walked to her cabin, the silence of the ship rang quietly in her ears, blended with the icy slivers in her belly. She missed the sound of the crew chatting, the incessant murmur that indicated _occupied_. Wearily, she surveyed her empty room. More silence greeted her. As she stepped forward, her eyes rested on the image on her desk, her mind turning to memories. The hollowness in her gut twisted a little more.

She understood why Kaidan had said those things. If she had been in his position, she might have felt just as betrayed and angry. And yet...shouldn't he have given her a chance to explain? If he loved her, didn't she deserve...something?

A sudden voice broke the silence.

EDI: "Commander. An unknown vessel is approaching on an intercept course."

She tensed. "On my way."

At the CIC, Miranda was waiting for her. "EDI, who are they?"

EDI: "The vessel has been identified as Alliance, with a single life sign on board. It is requesting permission to dock."

She blinked_. What was the Alliance doing out here?_

"EDI, Confirm Alliance signature."

"Alliance identifcation confirmed."

"Very well. Grant them permission to dock."

"Are you sure about this Commander? You don't know what they want," Miranda asked.

Shepard replied, "I'm still an Alliance soldier, Miranda. Let them aboard."

"As you wish Commander. Docking will be completed momentarily."

"I'll meet it there."

Shepard watched the shuttle gently touch down on the deck, wariness and curiousity running through her mind. _This can't be coincidence, Alliance arriving right before we hit the Collectors._ How did they know where the ship was? What did they want? Who was on board?

The shuttle door slid open, and a single figure emerged, clad in standard-Alliance-issue armor, complete with opaqued visor. Two steps out of the shuttle, the figure paused and pushed back the visor.

For a moment, she thought she was hallucinating. _Too much stress_, she thought. _I've finally lost it._ No, he couldn't be here. He hated her, he left her on Horizon, he couldn't be here_ now_.

"Shepard. Permission to come aboard." His familiar voice echoed through the bay.

Her breath caught. It was him.

"Kaidan? What are you doing here?"

"The Alliance sent me. Councilor Anderson sent a communique that you were headed in to trouble. They are still rebuilding their forces from the attack on the Citadel, and didn't want to send anyone for what they called an "unperceived threat." But they wanted someone to evaluate the situation, so Anderson sent me. Alliance Command agreed."

"How did you know where we were?"

"Liara told us. She sent Anderson a message saying you were going to save the galaxy again, and could use some help. She mentioned you were last seen in the vicinity of Omega, so here I am."

"You should leave. Now."

His expression shuttered even more. "I have my orders, Commander. I'm an Alliance soldier."

She shook her head. "You don't understand. You remember Ilos, right? What we're about to head into is even worse then that. We're probably not going to make it, but we have to try. You don't know what you're getting into."

He stood up straighter, and actually saluted. "Understood, Commander. I'm coming with you, as ordered."

She shook her head, but she knew his stubborness. "Kaidan, this is a bad idea."

"Commander, if you're going in to battle, you'll need as many people as you can get. Particularly people who know how you move."

She felt the hollow in her belly expand a little more, but she could not deny the logic of what he said. She nodded. "So long as you understand what we're getting in to. Permission granted."

He saluted again. "Commander."

EDI flickered to life and chimed in, "I have prepared quarters for you on the crew deck, Commander Alenko. Please take the elevator to Deck 3."

Kaidan looked surprised at being addressed by the computer, but merely nodded. Without looking back, he stepped in to the elevator and disappeared.

*****

She strode back to her cabin, determined to still her roiling thoughts She had to focus on the mission or no one would be coming back. She paced back and forth in front of her aquarium. Focus. Exactly twelve strides from the bed to the door. Turn, twelve strides back. Again. Again.

She wasn't sure how long she paced, but it wasn't doing anything to help her focus. Finally she stopped, slamming her open hands against the rail of the aquarium, gripping the cool metal, using it as an anchor to the here and now.

Behind her, the door slid open.

It was Kaidan.

She turned, her face controlled, calm. _This is just like combat_, she thought to herself, stilling her thoughts, seeking the clarity of battle-mind. She found it ironic that she viewed the coming conversation as a battle.

"Shepard. Have you got a minute to talk?"

She nodded. "What do you need, Kaidan?"

"The mission. You said you were going after the Collectors?"

"Yes. We recovered intel that should allow us to navigate the Omega 4 relay. We're going to hit them at their base and take back our people."

"The Omega 4 relay? No one has ever come back out of that. Are you sure about this Shepard?"

"Kaidan. They took my crew. They took hundreds..thousands of colonists. We have to get them back. Lives are at stake. This is bigger then just us."

Kaidan shook his head. "You've got to be some kind of crazy Shepard. I guess we all are. But are you sure that you aren't being manipulated?"

"What do you mean?"

He started pacing. She noticed that he took the same path that she had used. "I asked you this before. How do you know that Cerberus isn't just using you to get what they want? I mean, we're talking about the people who turned colonists into husks. How is that any better then what the Collectors are doing? I'm coming with you, Shepard, but I don't know if I trust them."

"You don't have to trust them. Hell, I'm not sure if I trust them. Trust that _I_ know what I'm doing, and that it's the right thing. Just trust me."

"I...I want to Shepard. I want to believe you are the same woman I knew. Two years ago, I followed you in to certain death, and you brought us through it.

"But it's been two years. Two years of silence. Two years of putting myself back together. Then you show up again, and you're with Cerberus! Cerberus! I still don't see how you could work with them and expect me to think you haven't changed."

Her throat was so tight, she could barely force the words out. "I don't expect anything, and I haven't changed, Kaidan," she whispered.

****

Kaidan turned away from her, fist clenched, and found himself staring at her desk. At his own image staring back at him, from a framed photo placed carefully at the center of the table. He touched it gently, the frustration draining out of him, leaving only confusion and wonder.

"Where...when did you take this?"

She let out a breath in a long hiss, gathering her patience. "It's your Alliance holo. I'm still a Spectre, I have access to all personel files. I picked up the frame while I was on the Citadel."

He turned to look at her. The sight that greeted him was the same that he remembered, that he had dreamed of for so long--the slender body, the commanding, tense stance. Only the uniform didn't match his memory. _Cerberus._ The thought was like an echo.

_She would look exactly the same without the uniform._ That thought was stronger. But he'd dreamed of her returning to him so many times. And each time, he had to wake to the reality of her death._ How can I tell if this is real?_

He didn't realize he had said that aloud until he saw her expression harden.

"Real? You're asking me if I am real? I spent two years dead! That was real! Waking up on a lab table, being shot at by crazy robots was real! Realizing that only two months have passed for me, and everyone else moved on two _years_ ago is real! The truth is real! This is real!"

She clenched her hand into a fist and slammed it against the wall as she turned away.

"You don't trust Cerberus. Fine. But you have to trust your own senses. Am I real? Do I act real? Do I feel...real?"

He had never seen her so agitated since the Council grounded her, before Ilos. They had taken away her ability to do the right thing, and she had suffered. _Have I done this_, he wondered? His eyes followed her as she gestured and strided. As she turned away, he saw the glittering droplet fall from her face._ She's crying? But Shepard never cries?_

Before he realized that he was moving, he had closed the distance between them. As she turned back to him on her final word, he lifted his hand and traced a line down her cheek with his finger. She faltered on the last word.

"...real?"

The emotion on her face undid him. He could bear her anger, he had bourn her death. But as he looked at her, he saw the woman he remembered, and he could not bear her pain.

She stared up at him, still breathing rapidly, tense and fearful.

He spread his hand against her cheek, still uncertain. "You feel real to me Shepard," he said thoughtfully.

"Trust yourself, Kaidan," she whispered.

He took a deep breath and made his decision.

"So, we're really going after the Collectors?"

Confusion flickered across her face, as she nodded against his hand, still cupped to her cheek.

"Suicide mission? Going in with a renegade group to save the galaxy with little chance of survival?"

She nodded again, smiling slightly now.

"And we're going to save the galaxy and all those innocent lives along the way, of course. Just like old times." His gaze warmed. "Just like that night before Ilos. I assume you remember that? I have..for two years..."

Slowly, giving her ample chance to turn away if she wanted, he bent his head and pressed his lips to hers for a single moment. He spoke against her lips. "I choose to trust in us Shepard. I told you that I loved you, and I did. I do. Don't you dare die on me again, because I couldn't stand losing you twice."

* * *

**A/N: This is kind of AU, but it's what I thought should have happened right before the Omega 4. Now, I have to decide, should I give them their happy ending soon, or throw a big ol snarl in their paths? Decisions, decisions...**

**All characters property of BioWare**

**This is also kind of in tribute to the wonderful Sharon Shinn, whose character Senneth from Twelve Houses is how I imagine my Shep when I play and write.**


	5. Relaying Control

**Relaying Control**

* * *

Shepard slid her hands around Kaidan's waist and returned his kiss. She had been dreaming about this for so long, and now he was here, and his mouth was on hers. It was everything she remembered, tender, loving, and incredibly sweet. His arms wrapped her in warmth that melted the final icy shard of her death.

A sudden voice interrupted them.

"Commander, we have finished our calculations. ETA to the Omega 4 relay, two hours."

They both jumped slightly, and Shepard was sure her face was as flushed as his, but she managed to answer. "Thank you, Edi. Inform me when we have reached the relay."

"Understood, Commander."

"So speaks my ever present commentator. I'm not sure who is worse, Edi..or Joker." She pressed her finger against his lips before he could speak. "Shhhh. I know. But I intend to come back from this mission, with you. We'll have plenty of time, later."

*****

She smiled at him, that tender, playful smile that he had seen on her face only once before. He ached to be with her again but he pulled himself together rather well, he thought. He kissed her again, on the cheek this time, then drew her to the couch. She tucked under his arm like she belonged there, and he sighed.

"I still can't believe we're really doing this. Again. How many times do we have to save the galaxy, Shepard?"

She laughed lightly. "As many times as it takes, I guess. How many spare heroics do you have?"

He rubbed his thumb over her hand thoughtfully and tried to find a way to ask his questions. "Shepard...about Cerberus...What can you tell me?"

"Oh, Cerberus is the most frustrating organization to work with. I can't tell you how many times I think they've been stabbing me in the back. And I'm sure they are listening to this conversation right now." She made a rude gesture in the direction of the nearest bug that she knew of. "But, they're the only ones doing anything right now. I do owe them something for the Normandy, I suppose. Although all things considered, I think it's just fair compensation, at this point."

She described some of her dealings with the Illusive Man and his attempts at getting her killed. Again. He frowned at her description of the Illusive Man's tricks, but enjoyed hearing about her rabble rousing on the Migrant Fleet, and smiled admiringly at her meeting with Garrus. He wasn't surprised that she'd shot down a gunship singlehandedly.

Then they spoke of Horizon.

His arm tightened around her as he tried to explain. "I honestly don't know what possessed me there, Shepard. I was so glad to see you, but it was like the only thing that would come out of my mouth was anger. I still don't quite understand it."

"To be honest, Kaidan, it hurt, a lot. I'm not sure I'm completely over it. Of all people, I thought you would understand that none of this was my choice. I would never have left you like that. But seeing you here, now, helps more then you'd believe."

"I'm just glad that we've had this chance to make things right before...before tomorrow."

She nodded, her head against Kaidan's chest. "But we've got a strong crew. I believe in us, I know we'll make it through." She looked at the clock on her desk. Not much time left. "Let's go suit up."

*****

It seemed the Occulus was the only mobile defense in the debris field around the relay, and it was down for the count. The Collector ship that had stalked her for two years was similarly out for the duration._ AKA blown up_. Now they were sitting on the broadside of the base, planning out their strategy.

She would send Tali to open the doors for them. Legion might have been a better fit, but she trusted Tali implicitly. Miranda would lead the second team. The woman was an outstanding fighter and leader. Kaidan and Garrus would go with her. Familiar faces to watch her back.

"Let's bring our people home!"

*****

Tali was in trouble in the vents, and the Collectors just kept coming. She signaled for Garrus to lay down cover fire as she tried to dash for the last heat release valve. Garrus nodded and pulled his assault rifle, gunning down the worst of the opposition. Kaidan was on the other side of Garrus, essentially punching Collectors in the face with his biotics, until they toppled off one of the ledges that the Collectors seemed to find so aesthetically pleasing.

She'd just managed to turn the last valve when a terrifyingly familiar voice growled behind her. "_This requires direct intervention._"

Harbinger!

He'd been there on Horizon, and on the ex-Collector-ship. What would it take to get rid of him? She dove behind a convenient pod and yelled, "Kaidan, I need a barrier up, now!"

"KAIDAN!"

Kaidan was kneeling on one knee, thankfully out of range of Harbinger's attacks, but his hands were clutched to his head in obvious agony. A blue shimmer around his body indicated that his biotics were still charged up.

She forced herself to look away, to check on Harbinger's position.

_Too close. Crap._

"Garrus, it's time for you to return one of those favors!" Garrus shot her a, '_What do you think I'm trying to do_' look as he skillfully placed several rounds directly in Harbinger's chest. It wasn't enough to stop him, but it gave her a chance to bring her own weapons to bear. A few grenades in the face, and only the body of the Collector-shell remained.

She hurried over to Kaidan, only to find that he was staggering to his feet. "What happened there, Kaidan?"

"Commander, I don't know. I thought I'd been shot, for a moment, I just couldn't move at all. But my suit reports no injuries. I feel fine, now."

"Are you sure about that? I don't intend on losing anyone in this place, and I'd rather you went back then died. It should be clear behind us, you could make it back to the Normandy and help Joker."

He shook his head impatiently. "No. You need me and Garrus both to get through those doors. Let's just keep moving."

She eyed him carefully for a moment, and bent to check his suit readouts. All in the green. "Fine, but if it happens again, you are going back. Orders."

"Aye, Commander."

* * *

**A/N: Yay Harbinger gets some lines. I had so much trouble writing him in because his ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL just can't be taken seriously any more. Hopefully, my giggles weren't too obvious.**  
**He hasn't gotten much of a mention yet, but please take it as given that Shep REALLY HATES him already. Also, my Shep's battle-defense-mechanism involves humor, so the more gory things get, the more she tries to cope with it with mental humor.**


	6. Assignation

**Assignation**

* * *

"Tali, we need this door open, now!" Shots whizzed through the air, narrowly missing her head.

"Hold the door!" Miranda shouted. They retreated behind the closing blast doors.

Shepard leaned against the cool alloy, panting. "Nice work, Tali. I knew you wouldn't let me down. Is anyone hurt?"

"No significant injuries on second squad," Mordin answered in his clinical way.

"I'm fine over here, Shepard, no new scars_. Yet_," Garrus said, shouldering his rifle.

"Kaidan, Tali?"

"A little baked, but we're well, Shepard," Tali fussed over her combat drone.

"I told you that I was fine," Kaidan snapped peevishly. Shepard shot him a startled look. "Sorry, yes, I'm uninjured. This place is getting to me."

"Shepard, you need to see this!" Miranda was on the far side of the room, looking out at the central chamber. The place was a maze of randomly floating platforms and various tubes, wires and pipes. The entire place was eerie. Pods lined the walls and ceiling, seeming to defy the idea of _up_ and_ down_. Shepard looked over to where Miranda was pointing.

"Looks like one of the missing colonists."

The woman was suspended in some sort of yellowish gas, completely still, her eyes were shut and her mouth half open partially open. She looked dead. Shepard pressed her hand to the pod in a silent benediction. She too, knew what it felt like to die.

Abruptly, the woman's eyes opened and she started screaming. Reddish black blots started spreading across her face.

"My god, she's still alive!"

Kaidan shouldered past her to pound on the glass. "Lilith? That's Lilith, get her out of there!" They both worked at the controls to no avail. Lilith's screams drilled into Shepard's ears as she was liquified before their eyes. _What a horrible way to go_, she thought, clenching her knuckles. _If only we'd gotten here sooner!_

"God damn it, no, Lilith. We were supposed to save them!" Kaidan shouted.

Shepard barely heard him. Lilith's screams were still echoing in her ears when she realized she recognized the people in the other pods. Kelly--Dr. Chakwas--her crew!

All of them started prying at the pod doors with anything that came to hand, trying to get the containers open. Garrus and Grunt bashed open several with their guns or bare hands. Noxious gas hissed out as the people were ejected. A few of them had red-black lines over their skin but they were out and breathing at least.

"Doctor Chakwas, are you okay?" She supported the doctor until she could stand on her own.

"Shepard? You...you came for us."

"No one gets left behind on my watch. What about the other colonists?"

"The colonists were...processed. Those swarms of little robots, they-- melted their bodies into gray liquid and pumped it through these tubes."

"Damn it," Kaidan swore. "We should have gotten here sooner. We should have saved them! If we hadn't..."

Shepard cut him off before he could finish the sentence. "There's nothing we can do for them now. We need to make sure no one else gets taken. Stay focused on the mission." He shook her hand off and pivoted to brood over Lilith's corpse. She stared at him for a moment, but she didn't have time to investigate. The non-combatants needed to get to safety.

"Joker, can you get a fix on our position?"

"Roger that, Commander. All those tubes lead into the main control room right above you. The route is blocked by a security door but there's another chamber that runs parallel to the one you're in."

"I cannot recommend that. Thermal emissions suggest the chamber is overrun by seeker swarms. Mordin's counter-measure cannot protect you against so many at once," EDI added in.

"What about biotics? Could we create a biotic field to keep them from getting near us?"

"Yes...I think it may be possible." Samara spoke up. "I wouldn't be able to protect everyone, but we might be able to get a small team through if they stayed close."

"I could do it, too." Miranda offered. "In theory, any biotic could handle it. Shepard, who do you want to maintain the field?"

She didn't need much time to consider. Samara had been recruited for her biotic strength after all.

"We need to play to our strengths. Samara and I will take a small team through the seeker swarms. The rest of you provide a diversion by going through the main passage. We'll open the security doors from the other side and meet you there. Miranda, I want you in charge of the diversion team. Garrus, you'll be rearguard. We'll need plenty of noise and distraction, so load up your assault rifle. Keep them safe."

"Understood, Commander."

"You know me, Shepard. Flash and bang."

Dr. Chakwas looked worried and frightened. "What about me and the rest of the crew, Shepard? We're in no shape to fight."

"Commander? We have enough systems back online to do a pickup, but we'd need to land back from your position," Joker's voice came over the com.

"We can't afford to go back, Shepard. Not now."

"We came here to stop the Collectors and to save our crew." Shepard turned to Chakwas and the others. "You'll never make it without help. I'll send someone with you."

She was tempted to send Kaidan back with the survivors, a way to keep him safe, but he wouldn't be able to treat injuries or counteract any threat from the Collector tech that had imprisoned them. She looked over her squad, weighing her choices.

"Mordin, I want you to escort the survivors. You'll be able to start whatever treatment they need as soon as you get back to the Normandy."

Mordin brought up his omnitool. "Joker, need location of landing zone. Will meet you there."

"Kaidan, Jack, you're with me. If the bubble goes down, you'll need to be our next line of defense. We've all got our assignments. Let's move out!"

* * *

**A/N: Yes I know I am incredibly tardy with this chapter. RL has been crazy, but I'm typing away!**

**All characters property of Bioware.**

**Please R&R**


	7. Breaking the Barriers

**Breaking the Barriers**

* * *

The barrier was a barely visible blue shimmer around them. It was perhaps four meters across at the widest point. They would have to be careful not to leave its protection.

"Jack, be ready to reinforce if Samara needs it. Kaidan, you're up if Jack needs you. All of you keep your eyes open. Samara, is it holding?"

"Yes Commander. Try to stay close."

They snuck through a deserted hallway without seeing anything living. The silence of the place was almost tangible. It seemed to absorb even their footsteps, muffling them in numbness. She nearly crawled out of her skin when she heard the voices behind her.

"So Kaidan, I heard you were in the Commander's quarters all last night." Jack whispered.

"What?" Kaidan's face flushed with anger. "That's none of your business, lady."

"Come on, tell me, is she as good at f-"

It took her that long to get her voice back and stop the conversation before it got any worse. She knew Jack was just trying to needle the new person on the team, but from the look on Kaidan's face, it wasn't being taken well.

"Cut the chatter! We're not here for a picnic," Shepard reprimanded the both of them. "Jack, my personal life is no one else's business. Kaidan, she's goading you, let it go. Keep moving."

*****

They'd been lucky so far. The only resistance they'd encountered was a handful of Collectors. From the com-reports, Miranda and Garrus and their team were drawing most of the fire. Everything was going as planned.

*****

Samara was staggering, but the last set of doors were in sight. They should make it if...

_"I will show you true power!"_

_Of course. Here we go again._

Harbinger had found them and it had brought friends. She counted a dozen husks and nearly as many Collectors. And crap, they had heavy weapons.

"Jack, throw some barriers in their way, try to slow them down."

"Kaidan, concentrate on the Collectors, try to push them off the ledges. With the barriers slowing them down, I should be able to take care of the husks."

She ducked another shot from Harbinger. "And keep Harbinger back. We can't let it close in on us. Once we get the fodder out of the way, we can concentrate fire on it. It's tough but we can do this. Samara, stay back, we're screwed if you get hit."

*****

The husks tried to swarm over them, but with the forcewalls in the way, Shepard was able to shred them to pieces. Kaidan crouched behind one of the barriers, sending out warps as fast as he could. His biotics were getting a heavy workout today, but oddly, he didn't feel drained. Each shot that brought down one of those creatures seemed to fuel his powers. Every target went down a little easier.

Jack was standing over him, holding their defenses in place. "Embarrassing, isn't it, Alliance?" she smirked at him and continued in a voice too low to be overheard by Shepard. "Cowering behind a girl's skirts while she does the real work."

_What the hell?_ He tried to control the odd surge of anger and resentment at those words. _What's wrong with me?_ "We work as a team, Shepard needs me where I am. I don't see you charging out there, convict," he couldn't help adding.

"Bet she's the one on top in the bedroom too."

He flung out another warp, narrowly missing Jack's body, and splattered the oncoming Collector into a wall. Turning slightly, he spat out at her, "Shut. Up. You don't know what you're talking abo-DAMN IT!"

His distraction had made him miss seeing Harbinger ripple forward, and it was too close to Shepard to get a shot off safely. Shepard was bent to the side, leaning around to shoot at the last few husks, and hadn't seen the the creature closing in from her blind side.

Jack's words were still ringing in his head when he pushed off and charged.

Harbinger was focused on Shepard and his tackle took it by surprise. He hit the possessed Collector at full speed, his momentum sending them both flying off the edge of the platform.

******

"Fuck!"

Shepard heard Jack's shout just before a confused mass of limbs blew passed her. She watched helplessly as Kaidan went over the edge of the walkway and into the empty space beyond. He seemed to hang suspended in midair for an eternity.

No, she thought. He wasn't falling. He was _floating_!

Jack's face was a study in concentration, and a glowing line connected her to Kaidan's form. A steady stream of obscenities flew from her mouth. She made a grasping gesture and Kaidan drifted back over solid metal before the cord shimmered out. He dropped with a thud inside Samara's protective bubble. Jack lay panting next to Samara, but waved off her concern. She stalked over to Kaidan instead.

"Are you crazy, Kaidan? What the HELL was that?"

"I saved your life, that's what that was. Harbinger was too close to do anything else!"

"My shields were up, you dolt. if it'd attacked me and brought them down, the blast would have knocked it off anyway!"

"I...all I saw was that creature right there, and I just reacted. I was trying to_ protect_ you."

She softened her tone slightly at the worry in his voice. "I'm fine, Kaidan. I'm glad you're watching out for me, but try not to do it with a running tackle off a narrow walkway, okay?"

Jack had picked herself up and was staring at the distant floor of the Collector Base. "Shit, I was just kidding, Alliance, you didn't need to put the pants on like that. We're square now, right?"

_What was this?_ "Jack, Kaidan, don't tell me that all happened on a dare." Her tone turned dangerous.

"It was just a joke gone wrong, Shepard. Don't get your panties in a twist." "We're fine, it was a misunderstanding. Let's just move on, Commander, " Jack and Kaidan both spoke at once.

Shepard divided a glare between both of them, ready to rip them both a new one for endangering each other, and the mission.

"If you two can't get your heads out of your asses..."

"Shepard, we must hurry. I don't know how long...I can keep this...barrier up," Samara groaned from the center of the bubble.

Shepard nearly kicked herself for doing exactly what she was about to lecture the others for. They didn't have time for this, and she was letting herself get distracted.

"Samara's right. We'll finish this later. You two. Get your butts into gear."

* * *

**A/N: Kaidan's a real jerk in this chapter, isn't he? Gee, I wonder why that is....**

**Hope I can keep up this pace again, thank you all for bearing with me, and please R&R! Rating changed to M for Jack's swearing.**


	8. Affectation

**Affectation**

Shepard yelled for Samara, Kaidan and Jack to get through the last set of doors while she covered their retreat. The Collectors and their minions were coming fast. The last one went down barely two feet from where she was slowly backing up. Samara staggered under the strain of maintaining the bubble for that length of time, nearly collapsing with the effort. A battle cry screamed from her throat as she shoved a final wall of force outward.

"Shepard, get over here!" Jack shouted. She sent a shockwave at the nearest set of husks, giving Shepard the critical moment needed to charge through the doors. They closed behind her small group, shutting out the massing creatures.

"Any trouble, Miranda, Garrus?" Shepard panted out as they regrouped.

"Nothing a few grenades couldn't take care of. You?"

"Piece of cake. Joker, are you at the rendezvous point?"

"Roger Commander. Chakwas and the rest of the crew just showed up," Joker replied.

"Mordin's group just arrived, Shepard," EDI added. "No casualties."

"Are we secure here?"

"For the moment, Commander. I don't know how long that'll last though."

"Good. Jack, Kaidan, front and center. You can draw straws as to which one gets to do the explaining."

Before she could get started on the reaming, Joker's voice over the radio interrupted her. "Commander, hostiles massing just outside the doors. Won't be long until they bust through."

"Crap. Okay, I'll nail your asses to the wall later, for now, let's finish this. I want to blow this place sky high."

Miranda held up a cautionary palm. "Wait. If they get through, they'll be able to swarm over us. We need to keep them back. Shepard, pick a team to go with you, the rest can hold this point."

Shepard bit her lip. Her team was ragged and tired, but they were so close now. One more push and they'd have their victory. She wasn't sure what they would find at the center of the base, each one of them had their strength and weaknesses. Which to take with her? She didn't dare take the specialists, they would be needed to keep the hordes back. Miranda would be an asset there. Who else? She was tempted to bring Grunt, his Claymore decimated opponents into shreds. No, he would be needed to reinforce the others.

Her eye fell on Kaidan. He certainly fit the bill, with his soldier training and biotic abilities, but he'd been acting strangely since they boarded the base. What was he thinking, tackling Harbinger like that? Dammit, get on with it, Shepard. Be safe, keep him under your eye. Most of the bad guys are on the other side of that door, we just need to get in and back.

"Alright. Kaidan, Miranda, you guys hit the jackpot. Everyone else, hold these doors, we'll be counting on you." She jumped onto the console platform, and turned to face her team. They watched her with confident, expectant faces. "It all comes down to this moment. We win or lose it all in the next few minutes. Make me proud. Make yourselves proud!"

She activated the console, and the three of them hung on as the platform slowly drifted into the central chamber of the Collector base. The fluidic tubes ran overhead, converging upon the same area. They rounded a corner, and the center of the base was revealed. You could fit the Citadel in here, she thought in awe. The tubes fed into a half finished metallic form. Their platform was floating directly for it.

"This is it, the tubes all lead here," Miranda pointed.

Shepard pressed her com button to signal EDI. "EDI, what can you tell us?"

"The tubes are feeding into some kind of superstructure. It is emitting both organic and non-organic energy signatures. Given these readings, it must be massive. Shepard, if my calculations are correct, the superstructure...is a Reaper"

They cleared a last projection, and the shape of the superstructure was revealed in its full hideous reality. Shepard's whisper was filled with fear and loathing. "Not just any Reaper. A_ human_ Reaper."

"Precisely."

"But why would they build a human Reaper?"

"It appears that a Reaper's shape is based on the species used to create it. In this case, humans."

Shepard looked at the tubes and the Reaper in confusion. "Why use humans at all?"

"It seems probable that Reapers absorb the essence of a species, utilizing it in their reproduction process."

"Can we stop it from being b--created? Is it alive? Is it aware of us? Can it...talk?"

"Shepard, you can't be thinking what I think you're thinking?" Miranda objected.

Kaidan drew back, horror and disgust on his face. "Are you crazy, you want to save that thing? People that I knew were liquified to make it. There are dead humans in there! I can't believe I'm agreeing with the Cerberus operative, but she's right. It's a parasite, Shepard. You can't reason with something that was built off of dead people!" he snarled.

"I never thought that working with a geth would be reasonable, but Legion's proving me wrong. What if that," she pointed urgently at the proto-Reaper, "Proves to be an ally too?"

"I can't believe I'm hearing this. I really can't. This...this is sickening. You _are _becoming Cerberus."

She drew back, stung. After all that happened, he still didn't understand. "Everything deserves a chance, Kaidan. It's not that thing's fault how it was created. If it's aware, maybe we can reason with it."

"It is unclear how much it has developed. I cannot tell you if it has awareness. It is unlikely to be sentient on any understandable level."

"How sure are you, EDI? Is there a chance that it could understand us?"

"I am unable to calculate the probabilities on the information I have. However, given its current state of completion and known developmental cycles, it would be safe to assume only basic neurological activity at best."

"It's a monster, Shepard. Why can't you see that?"

Shepard's patience snapped abruptly. _Didn't we already go over this?_ "Listen, Kaidan, you've been questioning me every since we got into this hellhole. Either you accept my command or not. Trust me, or not." Shepard held out her hand to him. "Which is it?"

* * *

Kaidan stared at the hand extended toward him. Was she serious? She'd just suggested keeping a Reaper. The thing essentially ate thousands of people, had their liquified bodies flowing through it. The sense of betrayal he had felt on Horizon was returning. It was sick, wrong, and she wanted to try and save it.

What was wrong with him? This was Shepard. She never put the value of one life over another. Of course she would try to save everyone and everything that she could. It was so hard to think here. There was a hum, a vibration that was creeping him out. And that thing hovering above them. The empty eye sockets seemed to follow his every action.

"Fine," Shepard withdrew her hand. "You're welcome to leave as soon as we get back to the Normandy. Or now. I can't afford any distractions."

He realized that he'd turned away from her to stare at the proto-Reaper, and that she had taken this as a rejection. Her face was the impassive Commander mask once again. Maybe it was for the best. "No. I'll back you, Shepard. I won't leave the job half done. What's the next move?"

She turned her back on him to contemplate the robotic creature suspended from the ceiling. He suddenly wondered whether her empathy for the entity came from her own implants, the cybernetics that were keeping her alive. _Sorry, Shepard. My brain isn't on right today_. He'd try and explain it to her later.

"EDI, how many more humans will they try to take to complete it?"

"Millions. Maybe more."

Shepard sighed audibly. "Then we can't risk it. I hate to do it, but do you have any suggestions on how we take it out?"

He wondered if the regret in her tone was for the lives lost or for the technology lost. What would Cerberus be able to do with a human proto-Reaper? He was glad he'd never have to find out.

"The process can be stopped. The large tubes injecting the fluid are a weak structural link. Destroying them should cause the supports to collapse, and the Reaper to fall."

"We've got enemies incoming, Shepard," called Miranda from the edge of the platform.

"Give us a minute, EDI. Gotta take care of some old friends first."

* * *

**A/N: Ah yes, "Updating." We have dismissed that claim. Seriously, I have been stuck on this chapter really badly, I think I've rewritten it about 6 times. I know where I want to go with this, but the words won't form up! But it's done now (I think) and I hope you enjoy. Poor Kaidan, his light will be shining again soon, oh yes. Please let me know if I've screwed anything up too badly!**


End file.
